Autobot G1 Retirement Home : The 4th of July
by Prander
Summary: I know this is early, because I was hoping to give everyone an early laugh. Thanks for the reviews! Hope you like it. Have a good one!


"Trailbreaker is leaking again." Bumblebee sighed as he tugged another cooler out of the back of the clunky old Autobot warrior. Trailbreaker groaned and gave off a small back-fire as thick, milky fluid ran out of his truck bed and dripped on to the grass.

Bumblebee had driven the old Autobot retirees out to Murphy-Hansen park for an evening of fireworks on the fourth of July and they were shuffling around and complaining as they arranged their lawn chairs in a row. They had taken a small hill as their campsite, with multitudes of humans congregating about. The Autobots ignored them, settling in with creaking joints and popping pistons.

Wheeljack came zipping up from the back in his electric wheelchair and turned to stare at the newly ruptured Trailbreaker.

"What the hell?" He croaked, his old globe like head flashing. "What's the matter with you now?" He rapped Trailbreaker's back panel with a knuckle.

"You worked on him. Isn't that what's generally the matter with everyone?" Bumblebee sneered, setting down the cooler. Wheeljack turned on him

"Hey fuck you, kid. What did I say last time about your driving?"

"I wouldn't know. You were busy chasing us down the street because I left your dumb ass behind."

The other Autobot cars cackled.

"That wasn't funny!"

"Yeah, but hitting the breaks and letting you slam into the tailgate was. If you look closely you can see a dent that says 'asshole'."

The others guffawed. Every now and then Bumblebee could manage a good zinger when it came down to it.

"Fuck you, man! If I had legs, I would have driven myself!" Wheeljack balled up his fists.

"Off a cliff?" Bumblebee brightened up.

"Knock it off, you two." Prowl sighed as he shut Trailbreaker's passenger door and made his way over to his chair. He creaked with rust as he sat down, letting out a deep sigh. Optimus, sitting on a Sponge Bob blanket next to him, held up a lit sparkler with childish delight.

"Look, Corndog! They're selling Prowls!" And then he crunched it up happily, a second held ready in his other fist.

"Prime, stop that! They're not corndogs. Bumblebee will you get over here and give me a hand?" he called out.

"Oh, for cryin' out loud, let him eat them. It's easier than trying to explain why he shouldn't." Bumble waved Prowl off.

"But they make him fart." Sideswipe frowned, rolling his chair back.

"What would be harder to explain is how he eats those things without a mouth." Sunstreaker leaned up and squinted at Prime in the evening light of the park.

"I don't know. I guess it was to good a joke to pass up for the story." Sideswipe replied.

*rimshot*

Bumblebee shook his head and unscrewed his flask. Wheeljack scoffed at him from his chair.

"Oh yeah, here we go. Another hundred proof dinner, huh kid?"

"Shut up, you old bastard." Bumblebee belched, not bothering to come up with a retort.

"You gonna get out the hotdogs and start the grill?" Wheeljack frowned.

"You gonna kiss my ass?" Bumblebee answered, mimicking his rough voice.

"I might _kick_ your ass!"

"Yeah, but you don't have any legs, right?" Bumblebee sneered and kicked a handful of grass all over Wheeljack to make his point.

"Come on, Bumblebee stop that." Prowl cut in. "Both of you get busy and help each other. I'd like a hotdog for Optimus."

"I'd like some corn on the cob." Sunstreaker turned to Wheeljack..

"And some baked beans." Sideswipe added. All the others present began to place their orders.

"Watermelon."

"And some potato chips."

"Is there koolaid?"

"How about some pickles?"

"Taco salad."

"Did we bring hamburger? I'd like a hamburger."

"I don't want seeds on my bun. They get stuck in my grill."

"Extra barbeque sauce."

Wheeljack glared at them all, leaning forward in his seat to brush grass off his chassis.

"And how about I serve you all up with a side of _fuck-you_?" And he gave them all the finger.. But he did roll over to the nearest cooler and flip the top off as Bumblebee pulled out their dented up old grill from the back of Trailbreaker.

To his surprise, all that was in the cooler were bags of chips. Stuffed in pell-mell. Some had popped open, others were crushed down. And all of them were on ice.

"What the?" Wheeljack pulled out several bags. "What the fuck is this?" he went on, tossing them over his shoulder in a frenzy.

"Potato chips. _Duuuh_." Bumblebee came up and set the grill down with a sooty clang.

"On ice?!" Wheeljack was incredulous and then his eyes narrowed. He turned and zipped over to Trailbreaker and quickly analyzed the milky liquid dripping off the tailgate. Then he leaned in and stared at the remaining bags and parcels still in the back.

He spun around.  
"Why, you _dumb _mother fucker!" He growled, working up some real steam. "What kind of idiot packs the chips on ice and all the cold treats into paper bags!?"

He dipped a finger in the liquid and held it up.

"This is ice cream!"

All the others groaned and began to complain. Bumblebee shrugged and raised his flask, weaving a little on his feet. Wheeljack glared at him and then turned to the other old Autobot cars.

"I told ya. I told ya this lush would fuck it up. First he hops into Trailbreaker and drives him out here like a bumper-car and now he's fucked up all the food!"

"Oh, shut up and drink your ice cream." Bumblebee turned his back.

"It's a damn good thing you made sure the Doritos wouldn't melt, huh!?" Wheeljack mocked him, Then he zipped over to another cooler and flipped it open. "How about this one?"

"Get away from there! That one's mine!"

"Ahhh, yeah. Uh huh. Kept your beer cold though, right?" And Wheeljack picked up a can and dinged it off Bumblebee. The others had no pity for their old yellow scout as he stood there dodging a six pack.

"There's really no ice cream?" Bluestreak whined.

"Shut up, you old clunkers!" Bumblebee dodged another can. It landed near Optimus who snatched it up and squeezed it. The can popped like a balloon.

"Wheeee!" he cried.

Foamy beer sprayed everywhere as Prime turned to show Prowl, coating him with it. The old Autobot police car spluttered and waved his hands.

"Gawdammit!" He coughed. "Stop it, you guys!"

"And stop throwing my beer!" Bumblebee roared, grabbing the cooler and pulling it away from Wheeljack.

"So...there's really no ice cream? Everything's melted?" Bluestreak went on. "Maaan, I swear he does that on purpose. Some of us can only eat soft foods." And he fingered his toothless old lips.

"For someone with no teeth, you sure talk a lot." Bumblebee glared at him.

"Gimme a beer then!" Bluestreak demanded.

"Sure, here ya go." Bumblebee replied and tossed him an empty can.

"You're a real douche bag, you know that?"

Bumblebee opened his mouth to reply but Wheeljack had wheeled up close behind him and suddenly slapped him hard on the back.

"Nice work, kid. Ya dumb ass!" he snarled.

Bumblebee turned with a angry growl.

"Get away from me, you old oil filter!" And placing his foot on Wheeljack's chair, he gave it a mighty shove backwards. The electric transmission slipped and Wheeljack, arms flailing, screamed as he began to roll backwards out of the camp and down the hill. Bumblebee watched him go, picking up speed and crashing down through groups of nesting humans before he flattened a concession stand.

"For cryin' out loud, Bumblebee!" Prowl said, wiping his face clear of beer and taking the can from Optimus.

"What? Should I have pushed him harder? He might have made it over there and into traffic."

"Will you just start the grill?" Prowl sighed.

"Whatever." Bumblebee snorted, finishing a beer in one long pull.

"Mister Autobot?"

Bumblebee lowered the empty and looked down to see a human child, a young boy of maybe ten, standing by his side and pulling on the front of his pants as he shifted from one foot to the other.

"Huh? What do _you_ want?" He frowned.

"Can you please transform?" the kid asked, biting his lip.

Bumblebee turned to him, scowling.

"What!? What for!?"

"I gotta go real bad!" the kid cried. When Bumblebee turned his back, all the other old Autobot warriors started cracking up and howling with laughter. Bumblebee, startled, spun back around.

"What? What is it?" His head spun in all directions.

Then it came to him and he shoved a hand behind his back, feeling and slapping around for something in his suspicion. He grabbed whatever it was and yanked it off his back, bringing it around to glare at the huge Port-O-Potty sticker Wheeljack had slapped across his back.

"You fit the part so well, Bumblebee." Bluestreak cackled.

"Well...his color does." Sunstreaker grinned.

"I always knew he was full of shit!" Huffer grumped.

"Come on, Bumblebee! Can't ya see the kids got to go?" Sideswiped motioned with a mock frown. At that, the kid even knocked on Bumblebee's leg.

"Come on, man! I gotta whiz!" And all the Autobots cracked up even harder.

"Git outta here!" Bumblebee snarled, taking his foot and flipping the unfortunate kid back down off the hill.

"For fuck's sake! Don't do that!" Prowl scolded him. "You know how easily humans break!"

"Well then his parents better catch the little fucker, huh?" Bumblebee balled up the sticker and scooped out another beer from his cooler as he tossed the wadded up paper over his shoulder.

"Man, this sucks. I didn't come here to watch Bumblebee get drunk." Huffer crossed his arms.

"When do the fireworks start?" Bluestreak looked around.

"Never mind that. Let's set off the ones _we _brought." Sunstreaker sat up and rubbed his hands together. "Where's Gears?"

Just then the curmudgeonly old mini-truck came walking out from under the small awning the Autobot's had set up. He was clutching his stomach with both hands.

"Ohhh, man." he groaned with his gravely little voice. "Prowl, I don't feel so good."

Bumblebee frowned at him.

"Where are the fireworks?"

"The what now?" Gears looked at him.

"Didn't you unload him before he transformed?!" Prowl cried, his eyes going wide.

KAA-BOOOM!

Gears exploded into blue and red chunks like a lego pinata, knocking everyone over in their lawn chairs. Some of those in wheelchairs were pushed back, following Wheeljack's earlier example, as they all started to roll backwards down off the hill. People started screaming. Sunstreaker was one of them and he smashed into Wheeljack, was struggling to push himself back up the hill.

Prime held up his hands as little colored chunks of the unfortunate Gears rained down around the Autobot's camp. Chain-reaction bottle rockets flew up from the smoking hole in the grass where Gears had stood.

"Ooooooh. Aaaaaah!" Prime leaned back, watching them pop off over head.

Bumblebee picked himself, coughing and shaking his head.

"Jesus Christ almighty." He spit grass and dirt out of his mouth. The others that were left were all groaning and waving canes in the air, tipped over or knocked down and howling to be helped up. Bumblebee grimaced and got himself another beer.

"Hey!" A doughy human adult came charging up the hill. He was wearing a sports team jersey and Bermuda shorts. His flip-flops flapping in a frenzy.

"What the hell are you old junkers up to up here? Did you throw my kid off this hill!?"

"Yeah." Bumblebee answered. "He went thatta way." And he bitched slapped the human away from him.

**ooo**

"Ahahahaaa!" Starscream cackled as he watched events unfold from afar, peering through Reflector and taking several pictures.

"The Autobot's are in complete disarray, mighty Megatron!" He cried, lowering the Decepticon camera and leaning on his walker. The he was seized with a fit of coughing.

"Excellent!" Megatron wheezed and pushed his wheelchair over to Soundwave, who was tilting the large hollow tubes of the town's fireworks into a mortar-type firing position. Frenzy and Rumble were chasing the local fire-fighters away, cackling and spraying extinguishers all over the place as they ran around sporting fire helmets.

"You can't do this!" The fire-chief howled and Megatron thunked him over the head with his large cardboard fusion cannon.

"Silence, fleshling! Soundwave! Prepare to fire!" he rasped.

**ooo**

FOMP! FOMP! THOMP!

Prime saw them coming first.

The firework shells rained down among the old Autobots, lobbed over the park by the Decepticons and stitching their way across their camp like an artillery barrage. One smashed into Bumblebee and he rolled down off the hill in a ball of green flame.

Prime clapped his hands happily as dirt clumps, grass and colored sparks rained down all around him, watching his former warriors get tossed about with warbling cries and howls of pain.

"Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah!" he cried each time.

**The End!**

_Have a safe and happy 4th of July, my fellow Americans! And for everybody else...uh...have a nice...Thursday. :P_

_ - Prander_


End file.
